


Some things are better left said

by orphan_account



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Comforting Ending, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, jack is sweet an understanding, rhys is really not in a good place, this is a really heavy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:29:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28847577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING!!!!Eating disordersRhys hates his relationship with food. It’s exhausting and all he wants is to go out and spend time with Jack without worrying over what he is eating and will he gain weight.
Relationships: Handsome Jack/Rhys (Borderlands)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	Some things are better left said

**Author's Note:**

> Again a WARNING, this is a dark fic that I wrote as a vent. It talks in depth about eating disorders, mainly bulimia. If this is something that really triggers you PLEASE do not read this.
> 
> I wrote this using my own experience as inspiration and other people may experience these disorders differently. If you do, my heart goes out to you and I hope you get help or grow to become happier and healthier. I’ve been struggling a lot projecting on my fav comfort character has helped me a lot.

Rhys sat perched on the edge of the toilet, the lid was closed of course, he just sat there. His leg bounced nervously as he stared down at the scale in front of him. He hated this. Hated it so much. Weighing himself was something Rhys did so religiously each week but it was his least favourite time. Or his best. It usually depended on the number that it told him.

This week wasn’t promising. Rhys chewed the inside of his mouth, reflecting. He knew he’d eaten far too much for his liking. His liking being a maximum of one meal a day. Usually this was the meal he ate in the evening with Jack. Avoiding all those unwanted questions. But the past week Rhys had snacked quite a bit, eaten way more than he wanted.

His reasoning was that he was stressed. It wasn’t a lie, far from it. Work was absoltely horrible at the time being. But he was still disappointed in himself; he’d gotten through many other stressed times without eating his feelings away.

Ever since he moved in with Jack he found resisting temptation was near impossible. Jack always kept masses of sugary snacks in the cupboards, fridge, freezer, the lot. He also always encouraged Rhys to help himself. At first, he didn’t. But once Rhys had dared himself to get a treat, it was a slippery slope into readily available binge food.

A knock at the bathroom door had Rhys jumping. His first thought was panic. He always was paranoid about someone finding out about this side of him. It was something he hid because he was embarrassed.

“Rhysie baby? Are you in there?” Jack asked, muffled by the thick door.

“Uh, yeah. I’m…” Rhys panicked thinking what to say, “-I’m just pooping.” His cursed at how stupid he felt saying that. Well, it wasn’t entirely false. He had used the facilities when he first came in. He usually did before he stepped onto the scales. Regardless, his cheeks flushed when he uttered his excuse.

He heard Jack let out a chuckle from behind the door, “Alright, have fun, I need to head out to the office now, I’ll see you later pumpkin. Byeeee -oh wait! Before I go, remember we organised to have lunch together today. I’ll echo you later, m’kay? Awesome, I’m going for real-sies now, see ya cupcake.”

A pair of heavy footsteps trudged away from the bathroom and towards the front door and it wasn’t long before Rhys heard the sound of it open and close. He let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding in, his leg still bounced impatiently.

Rhys cursed at what Jack had said, he completely forgot about promising to have lunch with him. It wasn’t going to be fun, especially considering the cybernetic man had told himself today he would eat good all day. Today he would get back on track. But alas, lunch with Jack would probably mean two meals today. Which, for Rhys, meant the inevitable was going to happen tonight... He was going to make himself be sick. Not like illness or flu sick. Like throw up sick. And he hated it. Rhys was making a plan of how he was going to do it. After dinner, he’d explain that he needed a shower, his usual explanation. Slip into the bathroom, put his music on and hey presto - Yeah, that’s what he’d do.

He _could_ eat healthy, something like a salad. Or he _could_ have just eaten a small amount, but Jack would ask him why. He’d tried before, getting himself a bowl of something overly healthy. Jack would make comments about it. Nothing bad, not at all. It was only comments like ‘not that diet shit again, you know you have like an amazing metabolism, use it before you’re too old’. He obviously couldn’t outright tell the man that his ‘amazing metabolism’ was just the fact that every time Rhys puts away a large amount of food, it never gets digested. So, Rhys avoids the awkwardness and would just pick what he wanted.

Rhys sighed and stood up, wincing as the muscle of his restless leg ached. Burning from the prior bouncing. He shed himself of his clothes, leaving them in a sad pile next to the scale. Taking a deep breath he stepped on. He stared at the display intensely as the numbers ticked up.

-2lbs

The numbers came as a shock. A massive shock. He took a step back onto the cold tiles and let the scales clear before standing on them again. And again, and again and again. Each time it reported back a 2lb loss.

Elation was an understatement. Rhys had felt so down and guilty because of his snacking and overeating this week but the worrying was clearly for nothing.

However, this positive feeling was only further validating this destructive behaviour. It was no wonder why is was so addicting. It was Addicting to encourage himself to eat less, to purge more and watch the weight tick down further.

He hated it. He couldn’t stop.

Rhys clothed himself and tucked the scales back into the corner of the bathroom. After doing so, he began to get ready for work.

During this his mind did wander to how bad things were getting with his disordered eating. He hated thinking of it as that. Rhys preferred to play off that he had a problem. Insisting to himself that it’s something juvenile, that’ll leave with his adolescent years or as he matured. But it never did.

He had thought about getting a therapist, many times in fact. Times where he was sick of policing the food that went in and subsequently out, again. Rhys wanted nothing more than a nice meal out with Jack, or them sharing a meal at home together. He wanted those and he wanted to not worry about his calorie deficit for the day or how he was going to break off to the bathroom. Anxiety that made him itch when he didn’t feel he’d gotten out all of his food. A therapist would help him work through that. But in order to get help he’d have to tell someone. Two people in fact. Jack and then the professional.

Jack respected Rhys’ boundaries and privacy but something so serious like this, it wouldn’t be right to leave his significant other out on that. If Rhys reached out on his own Jack would probably be alerted by Helios staff anyway. So the brunette avoided getting help because he wasn’t ready to tell Jack about his horrible secret. 

_Would he ever be?_ He thought, _probably not,_ was the quick following conclusion. It was something no one knew about. Well Vaughn did, vaguely. He’d confronted Rhys about it once. Rhys confessed, they cried together, Rhys promised he’d stop. They never talked about it again and he didn't stop. He just got sneakier about it, which made him fixate on it more.

It wasn’t exactly an easy subject to just bring up to someone out of the blue either. What do you stop them and do “hey, just so you know. I make myself throw up after almost every meal because I hate my appearance. Have a nice day.” Yeah. No chance. Rhys didn’t want people to know. He couldn't stand the looks that Vaughn gave him when Rhys would eat. Imagine what would happen if Jack found out. That was a hard pill to swallow.

Instead Rhys just deals with it. Hoping it would go away.

There were times where that was looking hopeful. When he’d gone like a month without purging. No bingeing. Just eating well and exercising. He’d lost weight then but grew too stressed and busy and before he knew it. Rhys had slipped back into the same pattern.

He was exhausted. Rhys didn’t want this grip of obsession with food. He just wanted to be happy healthy but most importantly attractive. That was the root of it all wasn’t it. He just wanted to maintain this weight where he felt wanted.

Traumatic times of being an obese child really burned him. Coupled with his disability of only having one arm - Mentally he wasn’t a happy child. Sadly translating into an unhappy adult. Playground jabs stuck with him now. Even when he was successful and had a gorgeous boyfriend who was the god damn CEO of _Hyperion,_ even then, Rhys was riddled with problems, he obsessed over them.

As he’d finished prepping himself for the day he stared at himself in the mirror by their penthouse entrance.

Under Rhys’ eyes and on his cheeks was lots of red dots. They looked a little like freckles from afar. But they were a sign of heavy heaving, burst blood vessels in fact. Depressingly, Rhys thought they looked cute on him. Also every time he had them there was always that anxiety that Jack would say something. But he never did.

It was no wonder he lost weight this week, by the intensity of those freckle-like dots on his cheek. He’d really overdone himself on purging. Rhys sighed and let himself out of the penthouse, checking the lock and heading through Jack's office, which was empty (Rhys recalled him having a meeting to go to or something), and off across Helios to his office.

Well, he says across Helios. But it wasn’t really that far. Rhys worked as executive of the weapons department, specifically coding. All high-ups, like the _real_ high ups, not just managers and project leaders, well they had offices not too far from Jack. Something to do with them being readily available for meetings and such. Jack being renown for his hatred of being kept waiting.

It was in fact where the pair had met. Rhys hadn’t slept his way to his position. Which initially is a common misconception because he _is_ dating the CEO. But Rhys got there in the usual way. A whole lot of backstabbing. Largely metaphorical, but, there was _some_ blood on his hands. Such is the way of competitive corporations.

But the pair had met in a meeting where Rhys had stood his ground on a point Jack tried to dismiss – Rhys later being right, of course. Jack, invited the brunette on a restaurant date as a ‘well shit guess I was wrong, thanks for making sure I didn’t fuck myself in the ass’. Things just went from there really.

Rhys made it to his office snappy and started about his day. He really wasn’t looking forward to it. Shit had been incredibly stressful due to some upcoming deadlines and massive coding issues. It was such a bad issue that Rhys himself has to try his hand at fixing the problem. Last night he was well on his way to smoothing out the crease until he hit a snag. That made him quit for the night to go home and stress eat.

——

Despite his low, low expectations for the day, somehow it was worse. He was drowning in stress right now.

_R: Look babe, I don’t think I can make lunch._

_R: The fucking idiots I work with I swear to GOD. I’m here trying to solve this massive fuck up and they go and have more issues._

_J: Want me 2 fire ur whole department?_

_J: no rescheduling the lunch, ur_ coming

_J: see u soon_

_R: A tempting offer but some people actually do have braincells, be a shame to lose them._

_R: Fine, if you insist! I’ll make it to lunch_

It hadn’t been an excuse to worm his way out of eating lunch. Well, actually it was a little bit. For the most part it actually was because he’s being crushed under his workload.

The only positive was the initial major issue was nearly fixed. There was just the whole wave of other issues that had arisen during the morning. Rhys wanted nothing more than to hit his head off the desk. Or hide in bed. Or eat.

When it was time to leave for lunch, he reluctantly peeled himself away from his computer. Making sure to lock that securely, but also look his door up tight too.

During the walk to the diner he was already mentally scolding himself. Warning against ordering a feast thought it’s all he wanted right now. He was a little humoured by the situation. On the outside Rhys was always cool, calm and considered. But in his mind it was like a whole fight sequence of two massive armies. That’s how loud his thoughts were. He briefly thought how Jack would probably find that funny. This caused nothing but a spike of shame and guilt for hiding his internal fight from his loving boyfriend.

An off note, Jack was actually sweet and adoring. Of course, you didn’t hear it from Rhys. Handsome Jack had a reputation to uphold. But yeah, Jack, the most powerful and feared man in the universe was such a sweet and sappy guy and he always made Rhys feel comfortable and loved. He held Rhys with such delicacy. Which is why it hurts so much that he is hiding secrets from Jack. Especially when his boyfriend had confided in Rhys about his terrible past.

After nearly bumping shoulders with a worker passing by, Rhys snapped to attention and out of his thoughts, thankfully. It was only another moment of travelling before he reached the diner.

They could afford the fancy places. Well, there was actually nothing _to_ afford considering a Jack owned them all, resulting in free food. But this diner was the pair's favourite. It was where Rhys took Jack on a date. Their second date, the night they kissed. So it held a sentimental place in their hearts. But also the food was absolutely fucking delicious.

Rhys entered, greeting the lovely woman who was by the entrance, the manager. She was a charmingly plump lady who always had the most amazing braids. Today her braids were in twined with a deep green. She also had the brightest smile, she always would. Flo her name was and they were quite acquainted. It seems as though she could sense his stressed aura so she didn’t offer much in conversation, instead just pointing at Jack. Who was sat in a booth tucked in the corner. All the tables in the immediate vicinity was empty. It was a mixture of Jack not wanting anyone near him, especially not in a place like this. But also people obliged to stay away, fearful of their leader.

“Hey my sexy, wonderful Rhysieeeee, missed you”, Jack started as he slid into the booth. Rhys offered a weak smile. “Your day really that bad kitten.”

Rhys sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Mhmm… m’still working on that stupid fucking error code. You know, the trigger one. But all morning people kept coming to me, ‘Rhys sir’ this and ‘Rhys sir’ that. Honestly this is what I _have_ a PA for.”

Jack reached across the table and held Rhys’ hand, giving it a comforting rub with his thumb. This tiny contact helped him calm down a little. “You sure you don’t want an entire new department cupcake? You _know_ I can make it happen.”

“Hahaha, sorry handsome. I would rather not have to hire and retrain a massive litter of new employees. Just gotta get over these issues and we're golden.” Rhys ran his cybernetic hand over his face. “The project may even be a little late we’re in that much shit. That okay?”

The grip in his flesh hand tightened a little in reassurance. “Mmmm, not so sure. I hope the CEO doesn’t find out... But don’t worry! I won’t tell on you kitten.”

“Shut up, you dumbass.” Rhys swatted his arm gently. The pair laughed and Rhys could feel himself relaxing. Jack just had the effect on him. “No but seriously, I might be late.”

“Cupcake, do you remember _how many_ times you’ve said that to me? And do you remember getting it on time every single time. I have faith in you. Plus at worst it’ll be a few days late, don’t worry about it. If you are late get ready to be _punished_.” The suggestion the oozed out of what he said had Rhys’ cheeks warming. Jack offered him a wink and a laugh.

Rhys plucked a menu from the stand and began scanning through it. He was glad this place showed the calories on each item of food so he could steer himself away from the majorly unhealthy items. He settled on a baked potato with not a lot of toppings. It was healthy enough that he didn’t feel too guilty. But unhealthy enough for Jack not to question it. Rhys looked up to see his boyfriend also milling over the menu, humming and pondering.

Jack was never worried about what he ate. Rhys was jealous. His boyfriend wasn’t thin, or ripped. The older man was actually a bit soft around his midsection, a dad bod if you will. Rhys thought he was absolutely gorgeous the way he was. Which only frustrated him; why was he so attracted to Jack who didn’t have the most killer body, but he was incredibly hard on himself because he couldn’t feel his hip bones enough. Rhys wishes he could love himself like he loves Jack.

That’s another thing. He loves Jack, so much. But he’d never told the man. Held back by his insecurities. Rhys was worried he’d scare the man, have him packing, leaving for someone prettier and better than himself. This was also one of the reasons he didn’t feel ready to tell his boyfriend about his bulimia and anorexic tendencies- god he hated admitting them. But, there was always that niggling fear that Jack would be scared off and not want to help Rhys through it, leave him. A shallow fear that he knew was stupid. This was impossible at shaking the fear that clung at the back of his mind.

Jack had never told Rhys he loves him, understandably that was because of his less that pleasant experience in prior relationships. Jack _showed_ Rhys he loved him though and the brunette was happy with that. These were just another of many examples of Rhys being incredibly hard on himself for something he shouldn’t care about.

Rhys sighed and he must have done so out loud because Jack looked at him eyed him from over the top of the menu. Their eyes met and Rhys was scared that his eyes were betraying all of his emotions. Jack looked like he was about to say something.

Thankfully this was when the waitress decided to come over and take their order.

“Hey handsome, hey sugar.” She beamed to Jack and Rhys. It was Flo from before. She was the only one who dared take their order, a lot of her staff were too intimidated by Jack and would stutter or forget to write things down. Flo had never done that and even joked with Jack, a lot.

“Good afternoon to my favourite Helios employee. Honestly Flo, what did we do to deserve you.” Jack beamed, warming Rhys’ heart.

Flo swatted Jack’s shoulder, “oh hush you. You’re just saying that so I don’t spit in your food.” She winked and had the CEO cackling. “What can I get you today Jack, love.”

“Mmmm, you know I’m feeling a burger today, cheese, obviously fries and a large lemonade. Cheers Flo.” She jotted that down with lightning speed and she then turned to Rhys expectantly.

He stared back down at the men. He’d rehearsed what to say many times, but he always drew a blank when it was his time to order. “Uhhhh, can I get the baked potato please? With cheese and chilli.” 

“Salad on the side?” Rhys nodded

“Yes please. Can I also get a large ice water and a small diet cola? Thank you so much.”

Flo emphasised that she’d written everything down with a sharp jab to the pad. She thanked both men and excused herself to the kitchen.

Jack and Rhys met gazes again and the older man smiled at him. Rhys gave him a genuine smile back, whenever his boyfriend was affectionate to him, it always made him feel so much better. Thankfully Jack never commented on Rhys’ order. He also didn’t bring up what he was going to say before Flo came over.

Instead the CEO went into talking about some interesting shoes he’d seen on the echo net this morning. The pair didn’t talk about work when they had lunch together and they tried to stay away from the subject at home too. They were times to unwind and be together. Of course, they would vent about their day or talk about work when one, or both, of them had to do some overtime. But other than that work was a strict no-discussion topic.

Through the course of their conversation about shoes Rhys’ shoulders eased up, no longer tense and tight.

Rhys sipped on his water through their chatting. It had been brought not long after they ordered. In one final gulp, the empty glass was pushed to the side on the table. He always drank a lot during his meals. For one it would fill him up more and stop him eating too much. But it was also easier for him to purge. He didn’t plan to after this meal, but it was a habit that stuck with him.

Not long after, their food was brought. Rhys ordered another glass of water too.

As to be expected, his food was delicious. He already knew that because he’d had it before. But, he really loved to be eating what Jack was having. The burgers at this place were amazing, his favourite on all of Helios. It’s why it was Rhys’ favourite diner and why it quickly became Jack’s.

The pair finished their meals and headed off to their offices. Rhys was feeling uncomfortably full. He always ate every last bite. Something he’d done since he was a child. His parents really instilled that into him, not to waste food. It was something he never shook, along with his adolescent disordered eating. The feeling of being full also made him feel really guilty too. He hadn’t planned on throwing up his lunch, but he also didn’t anticipate he’d feel this full and he was fearful about gaining weight. Even though his meal was rather healthy.

He was brought out of his internal debate by Jack wrapping a hand around his waist. They were stood at the part where they split off to their offices. Rhys looked, slightly down, to his gorgeous boyfriend and they shared a kiss. Soft and passionate. They shared a tender look together. He was really head over heels for this man. It felt like a good moment to admit his love for Jack but the scene didn’t feel right, them being in the middle of a corridor and all. Plus his stomach was too full right now it hurt. Not right at all.

Rhys pecked him on the lips again and parted to his office, “see you later, handsome.”

——

Rhys sat in his office chair. He’d been back in his office for only about 10 minutes but his gaze kept flickering up to the door of his private bathroom. He was staring at it now, the ache of his stomach spurring him to go in and let it all go. But he didn’t want to. He really didn’t want to. But he couldn’t help himself, _he had to._

Sighing, he stood up from his office chair and made his way over to the door of his office, his shoes feeling like lead. Rhys flicked the lock on his office door and made his way to his bathroom, locking that behind himself too.

Rhys took off his clothes so that he was only down to his underwear and socks. He even removed his arm. The last thing he needed was to get vomit on his nice clothes and be smelling of it all day.

He bent over the toilet, staring at his warped reflection in the water, overwhelmed with emotions. His hand gripped the bowl as he debated going through with this. His guilt and eating disorder screamed at him, it was deafening. Rhys sighed, moving his had away from the toilet bowl and into his mouth.

 _Here we go_.

Relief

The feeling of relief after purging was one of the reasons bulimia was addictive. It made him sad to think abou. Cleaning himself up wasn’t pleasant, it never was. There was something about it that was a little bit soothing to wash away, there was always the chance that one day it’d be his last time. That when he was washing away the evidence of his mistakes that he'd be washing away his illness with it. 

Rhys clothed himself and doused to room in air spray and the aftershave he kept in there. Entering into his office he unlocked his door and retreated to his desk to pop in a piece of chewing gum.

He got back to work, trying to keep his mind off of what he’d just done, trying to keep it off thinking of food. Which was hard with how is, now empty, stomach growled. Rhys drank water to soothe the feeling.

Surprisingly, the ending to his work day was actually amazing. Finally the massive issue that had plagued him for days was finally finished. There was about an hour left of his expected work time and as much as he wanted to go home and be in the arms of Jack, he had so many other fires to put out. Not all of them were figurative either.

Work was fantastic at keeping him distracted, it always had been.

——

Rhys made his way to their penthouse with a spring in his step, a smile on his face. Jack was already home when he returned. They finished up at the same time but Jack always got back first because he literally had the elevator in his office. Rhys obviously having to leave his own then walk through into Jack’s office.

The cybernetic man shucked off his blazer and hung it by the door, toeing off his shoes as he did so. As Rhys walked through the apartment he took off his tie. Rhys smiled to Jack, who watched him wordlessly as he left into the bedroom, the tv next to him was on. He always made a b-line to get changed into some nice comfy clothes on. Especially after being in a stuffy suit all day. He envied the fact that Jack wore such comfortable clothes to work instead of being squeezed into formal attire. But Rhys had a department to be in charge off. Who, really would not take him seriously if he just cut about in jeans and a jumper. The many benefits of being the CEO.

Business clothes were exchanged for one of Jack’s threadbare sweaters and a pair of joggers. That he noticed feel looser on his hips. Rhys re-tied the drawstring so they fit better. He was quite happy about doing so.

He practically threw himself on top of Jack, wrapping his arms around the man and peppering kisses all over him. Usually Rhys wasn’t so handsy, but he was in a really great mood.

“Someone’s happy.” Jack joked, holding Rhys’ head still so he could plant a kiss on his lips.

Rhys moved to sit in a comfier spot on their plush sofa. “Mmmm, I finally fixed that issue.”

“See, I told you! You never fail me Rhysie.” Jack patted his thigh. “You hungry? Because boy I could eat a whole vault monster right now.”

The cybernetic man shifted uncomfortably. “Already? But we only ate like…” his eyes flicked over to the clock “-okay never mind, it’s been 7 hours. Alright my handsome man, what do you want me to cook?” Rhys got up off the sofa and walked over to the kitchen. As Jack deliberated what he wanted Rhys tied himself into his apron. It was bright yellow and had dark black writing that said “property of Handsome Jack” on it. It was absolutely hideous and Rhys actually loved it.

“Lasagna!!” His boyfriend yelled. Not unlike a toddler.

“You got it!” Rhys set about making it. Naturally his first step was to pour himself and Jack a glass of red wine. Jack came over to sit at the kitchen island, watching and conversing with Rhys as he was cooking.

By the time is was ready, Rhys was a little bit tipsy. Not that he was a lightweight or anything. He usually could manage at least a full bottle before he was really fuzzy. But because his stomach was empty the wine really hit him like a high-speed train. That and Lasagne takes forever to cook so he had time to sink a few glasses.

The food was tasty, incredibly tasty. Rhys loved to cook, adored cooking in fact. Which felt ironic to him because of his horrendous relationship with food. He was glad he had Jack to cook for. Well, before Jack he had his roommate and best friend, Vaughn. Before that, he just didn’t cook because he hardly ate. When he did, Rhys always made way too much and well, you know what he would do.

But never-mind that. He has Jack now and Jack loves his cooking.

Their conversation flowed like it usually did and more wine flowed alongside it. Rhys’ words became slightly slurred and he became a little louder and chattier. Jack was also getting a little loose tongued by the booze. Well, Jack was always loose tongued in the sense; he was really outspoken like, all the time. But when he drank, he got soppy. And he was right now, offering Rhys really heartfelt compliments that had the brunette blushing like crazy.

When they were both finished Rhys asked Jack to clear up whilst he went for a shower. Saying that he felt all greasy from slaving away over cooking. Not entirely false, but he certainly played up how he felt. Like he always did when he did _this._

On wobbly feet, Rhys went to the bathroom. He went to the electronic panel on the wall and put on one of his lively playlists. They were loud and covered up any sounds of retching or gagging. He started the shower after settling on what song he wanted to listen to, queuing up some other behind it. Rhys stripped himself of his clothes and arm and lay them on the massive, completely overkill, bathroom counter.

Much like earlier in the day, Rhys poised himself over the toilet. That familiar internal debate of wether or not to go through with it. But the food was unhealthy so he _had_ to.

Bringing his fingers to his mouth he jabbed them down his throat until he gagged. It didn’t take long before the red wine burned in his throat as it came up. Shivers ran down his spine as he continued, the taste being absolutely revolting.

The song changed. Rhys continued.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been bent over the toilet. But his legs had begun to tremble, feeling weak on his feet.

The opened and Rhys’ heart stopped. He realised he forgot to lock the door.

“Rhys I’m coming in to take a leak, that red has gone completely straight through me-“

Rhys ripped his fingers out of his mouth and used it to steady himself on the toilet seat. He looked at Jack, eyes wide with fear and panic. Jack’s own expression was one of shock and sadness. The CEO looked distraught. An emotion he’d only seen the him bare in only several instances and all of which were from terrible times.

Trying to say something, his mouth only opened and closed like a fish. His stomach dropped _this is the end_ he thought. End of what? Him and Jack? His disordered eating? End of being skinny? It could have meant the end to a lot of things and Rhys was dizzy at the thought. This was the time his legs decided they’d had enough and buckled. His knees hurt as they slammed against the tile.

Jack ran his fingers through his hair, his feet still frozen at the doorway. “So, uhhhh. I’m going to leave you to clean up. We’re going to talk about this when you’re done.” His boyfriend’s voice uncharacteristically wavered and he left the room, door closing behind him.

He stared at the deep crimson mess in the toilet and Rhys was filled with dread. This is not how he wanted Jack to find out. He didn’t want Jack to find out at all, he wanted this to fade away. _He_ wanted to fade away right now. Rhys felt guilty and embarrassed. There was no running away, he’d have to talk about this.

It took every ounce of strength for Rhys to hoist himself up with only his flesh arm. His muscles screamed and his whole body felt drained. Partially from the exertion and partially from the anxiety that was tearing his insides to shreds. Weakly, he cleaned up the toilet so there wasn’t a molecule that suggested he’d thrown up.

Rhys shakily got under the warm spray of the shower that did little to soothe him. But it did wash away the physical evidence of his shame, the feeling was still there. Collecting the water in his mouth, Rhys swilled it around and spat it out. He did so a few times, trying to rid the horrible taste from his mouth. All he could think about was that Jack was going to break up with him. That he had ruined their relationship. But there was that horrible part of his addiction that screamed and panicked that he’d have to stop. That he’d gain weight and if Jack didn’t leave him after finding out about his eating disorder, he certainly would leave him when he wasn’t pretty to look at anymore.

His knees began to tremble again. Instead of risking another painful fall, Rhys sat down at the bottom of the shower, tucked up into the corner. The tiles were freezing on his naked body but the warm shower flowing over him made it bearable.

The loose feeling from the wine partnered with just, _everything_ that was going on had Rhys start crying. He tried keep it in at first, shaky breathing and screwing his eyes up tightly. But as soon as he let out a sniffle and a whimper it was like flood gates had opened and he began sobbing. His body heaved and he just couldn’t stop. The music was loud but his crying was louder, echoed by the shower. No doubt Jack would be able to hear him and the thought made Rhys cry harder.

By the time he calmed down a little, his fingers had began to prune. It took everything to pull himself together enough to finish the shower. As much as Rhys wanted to avoid this and stay in the bathroom he’d have to come out sometime and explain himself sooner or later.

With a towel wrapped around himself he began to brush his teeth. He studied his reflection. His face puffy and swollen from crying and heaving. His collar bones and cheekbones were more prominent than he’d seen them in a while. Rhys scowled at the teeth marks on his hand. Usually these were things that made him feel a strange buzz of positivity, but today all he felt was guilt and embarrassment.

Another issue was that he was too exhausted to put his arm back on. Which meant he’d have to ask Jack. He’d grown comfortable being without his limb around Jack, just as Jack had become comfortable being without his mask around Rhys. They’d grown together. But Rhys doesn’t feel he’ll ever be okay with asking Jack to put his arm on for him. It just made him feel useless whenever the older man helped him out. Rhys struggled and put his clothes back on one handed.

He stared into the mirror again, chewing the inside of his cheek. Feeling both numb and overwhelmed. Letting out a shaky breath, he ran his hand through his wet locks. _Now or never._ Rhys picked up his cybernetic limb and cradled it in his arm. Making sure to turn off his music.

As soon as he left the bathroom he turned to head to the living room. But that was short lived as his foot caught something and he went tumbling to the floor painfully. Because his only arm was busy holding his other arm he had nothing to reach out and catch himself. He did, however, have enough time to move the arm away so he didn’t land on top of it; that certainly would have broke something.

Rhys looked back to see what he tripped over, his eyes prickling with tears. What he didn’t expect was he had tripped over Jack. His mind was too occupied to notice him. When Rhys had looked back Jack was staring at him in shock, his knees were tucked up near his chest. He’d never seen his boyfriend sit like this ever, he looked vulnerable and sad, eyes slightly red. This made Rhys’ heart twinge painfully, _he did this_.

Jack snapped out of his shock, cursing and quickly getting to his feet to help Rhys.

Thought everything was screaming at him to get himself up on his own, he took Jack’s assistance. Rhys was about to pick up his arm but Jack had beat him to it and stood holding it out for him.

“Could you?” Rhys asked, gesturing to his port.

“Oh… of course.” Jack said, his voice soft and quiet. With incredibly delicacy Jack attached his arm for him. Goosebumps washed down his skin as the electric connected up and Rhys flexed his metal fingers a little. He offered a weak smile and a thank you to Jack as they wordlessly walked to sit in the living room.

Jack was incredibly quiet and Rhys had never seen him like this before. Literally never. Even when Jack talked about painful parts in his past he did so with confidence and jokes. The thing about Jack was he _always_ had something to say and him being silent had Rhys uncomfortable. Mind racing.

They both sat on opposite ends of the sofa, turning to face each other. Rhys crossed his legs and plucked one of the many drop cushions, sitting it in his lap, arms crossed around the fabric squeezing it a tight grip. His fingers toyed with the fringe as he avoided Jack’s gaze, which he could feel burning into him.

The pair sat silently for a long time and Rhys couldn’t bare it any longer. He tried to say something but he couldn’t, the words wouldn’t leave him.

“How long has this been going on?” Jack asked.

Rhys mustered up the courage and looked him in the eyes, “9 years, give or take.”

This earned a gasp from Jack. “Since you were 15?! Cupcake why didn’t you tell me? Don’t you trust-“

“Yes!” Rhys interrupted, causing the older man’s mouth to snap closed. “Of course I trust you. I’ve never trusted anyone more in my life…” he trailed off.

“Then why have you never told me about this? I could have gotten you the best help Helios has to offer. The best help the _universe_ has to offer.”

“I’m embarrassed.” He whispered out.

Jack was quiet. Honestly Rhys had expected him to blow up or something, to not understand and pressure him to get help. But clearly he’d underestimated the older man. Instead he just watched, waiting for Rhys to continue. He did.

“I’m really embarrassed. I just want to be happy. To feel _beautiful_.” He let out a shaky breath. “When I was a kid I was really unhappy, I was bullied for only having one arm and bullied because I wasn’t really a looker. I turned to eating, gained a lot of weight. Which got me bullied more.”

A strong, callused hand reached out and intertwined with the fingers of his flesh hand, the warmth giving him all the comfort he needed to carry on.

Rhys let out a little awkward laugh, “Hah, so I was depressed, fat, lonely and bullied. It was also around the time that I started preparing to chose what career I went into. Had goals to join Hyperion. I saw the groundbreaking prototypes for cybernetic limbs and it made me feel hopeful for the first time in years.” Jack offered him a genuine smile and rubbed Rhys’ hand with his thumb. “I threw myself into working, hardly left my room. I was too busy studying to eat and I started losing weight. My parents gave me compliments about how I was looking good and it kind of spurred me on.”

His cybernetic arm was still fiddling with the frayed edges of the pillow, Rhys cast his eyes down. “I made a challenge to see how long I could go without eating. My classmates started complementing me too. I actually got my first valentines card that wasn’t off my family. Sad, I know. Then it was summer. I graduated and made it into one of Hyperion’s learning facilities. But because I didn’t need to study all the time, I was a bit bored and began to eat again. I’d gained a few pounds back and it absolutely scared me.

Jack squeezed his hand and only then did Rhys realise he was crying. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down.

“I tried to stop eating but it was harder to restrict myself. It made me panic and I went on some forums on the echo net where I found out about bulimia. It seemed appealing, I got to eat the foods I wanted so badly but I wouldn’t gain any weight. I hate it so much. All that I want is to be normal and not have to think about food all the time. But I’m terrified of being that fat lonely child I was. I don’t want to lose you because I’m ugly.”

Rhys broke out into sobbing. Speaking out his fears had been incredibly hard and saying that last part felt like someone stabbed him in the gut and twisted it. He removed his flesh hand out of Jack’s grip and hid his face in his hands. Rhys’ whole body shook aggressively at his heart wrenching crying.

“I’m so sorry” he said between sobs. “I’m so sorry, Jack, I’m _disgusting_.”

The pillow was gently pried from Rhys’ grasp and he felt the cushion next to him dip slightly. Jack wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and drew him closer. They stayed like that for a while, until Rhys calmed down.

“I’m sorry Jack” he breathed again, successfully biting back the whimper that threatened to exhale. “You’ve been really great and if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I get it.”

He felt Jack pull back a little and Rhys’ looked up. It was the first time in a while he’d seen Jack’s face. The older man's eyes were puffy and glistened, his expression was a mixture of confusion and hurt, he looked like he was about to cry. And Handsome Jack _doesn’t cry_. Rhys felt sick. He probably would have done as such, if his stomach wasn’t empty.

“Hey, hey, pumpkin.” He said with fake confidence. “When did I say anything about _leaving you?_ ” Jack pulled him close again, kissing the top of his head. “No way, Rhys. I’m here with you and we’ll work through _this_ … together.”

Rhys sniffled. It was weird hearing Jack say his name, no jokey variation or nickname. No, Jack said his name. Which he hardly ever does. The older man usually only did so in sincere moments or when they were having sex. Currently they were _far_ from having sex so it could only mean Jack was being sincere and that made Rhys’ heart swell.

Jack leaned in and stole a kiss from his lips. “You’re so beautiful to me Rhys. Both inside and out. By inside I mean your heart and stuff. Not your, like, you know. Your asshole.” Rhys couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up. He swatted at Jack, dumb smile on his face. That joke was just what he needed.

“Shut up you perfect asshole.”

“I am pretty perfect aren’t I?” Jack grinned at him. “Hear me out a sec though, pumpkin. You know I’m amazing, I know I’m amazing. But I don’t have some shredded body with a crazy gun show. Instead I have me some love handles and a _total_ dad-bod. You clearly have no complaints and are insaaaanely attracted to me… What I’m saying is: you need to quit being so hard on yourself about having some meat on your bones because I’m far from ripped and you’re crazy for me.”

Rhys had told himself the same thing time and time again and it changed nothing. However, coming out of Jack’s mouth, it felt like something really clicked. It felt like a revelation He nodded to Jack. Feeling a little better.

Jack’s fingers rubbed soothing shapes into Rhys’ back and he focused his mind on the sensation. It was a long time before someone spoke.

“Here’s what we’re going to do. I’ll organise some appointments for you, for tomorrow. A dietician, and a therapist. One who specialises in eating disorders. As you’ve told me everything I’m going to be sitting in on those appointments too, so you don’t underplay yourself and not get the right help you need.” Rhys tensed, slightly freaked out. Jack noticed and squeezed his boyfriend a little bit tighter before continuing. “I know what you’re thinking, it’ll be intense and yes, it _will_ be. But this needs to happen sooner rather than later. I know how dangerous this can be.”

 _He knows how dangerous this can be?_ Now that he thought about it, yeah, Jack had been calm about the whole thing. He’d handled it really well and knew everything to do. Rhys pulled back to look at him. “You know?” He asked.

For a moment a hurt expression passed over his face, as it had done so earlier. The older man looked away, taking a deep breath before looking back to Rhys. “Yeah…” another deep breath, Jack withdrew one of the arms that embraced the brunette and he ran his fingers through his hair. “Angel struggled with anorexia."

Rhys gasped and moved a hand to hold the closest part of Jack. "I was too busy working to notice and I only realised what was happened when she collapsed and was taken to the med bay. I…" Jack drew a heavy breath. "I almost lost her.” Rhys’ heart clenched and he felt nauseous. His boyfriend took a moment to compose himself.

No wonder Jack was scared, he could lose Rhys like he almost lost his daughter.

“I decided to do research into it, so I could spot the signs better and prevent her from slipping back. She was lucky and got better. But was really hard. You've seen her now though, as gorgeous as ever, but now she is healthy" They held each other tight. "It just makes me feel so stupid because I _know_ the signs and if I paid enough attention to you, you could have gotten help sooner.” Jack had began to blame himself.

“But you know now.” Rhys said, halting that train of thoughts in its tracks. Not knowing what else to say.

Jack hummed, the ghost of a melancholic smile on his lips, “but I know now.”

They stayed embraced for a moment. But due to the awkward position. Rhys sitting cross-legged and Jack hugging him, he began to grow uncomfortable. “Jack?” He asked, getting a hum in response, “can we go cuddle in bed?”

The older man agreed and they untangled themselves and got up. Groaning as their sore and exhausted limbs stretched out.

“I’m bringing a bottle of wine in. Am I taking one glass or two with me?” Jack asked.

Rhys thought about it for a moment. There was part of him that was concerned about drinking because it made him snacky, but this was silenced by the warm hold his boyfriend had on his upper arm. “Mmm, two. I could use a drink.”

“Attaboy!” As he turned to part for the bedroom, Jack gave him a sharp smack to his ass.

The cybernetic man smiled as he went. God he was truly so thankful for his dumb and absolutely perfect partner.

Rhys decided to keep his arm on for now, it wasn’t like they were going to sleep anytime soon. Instead he just climbed straight into bed and got himself comfy. He swiped up the tv remote off Jack’s bedside table and turned on the screen that was opposite their bed. Rhys put on some soothing music. Not the romantic kind. The kind that blends into white noise and helps you unwind and lose yourself in. He dimmed the lights and turned the hue of them to a soft purple/blue. It felt like the atmosphere that Elpis gave off when the lights were turned off. Except it wasn’t anywhere near as dark.

It wasn’t long before Jack came in, poured Rhys a glass of wine and handed it to him. He did so for himself and got cosy underneath the blanket.

They both sat in quiet, listening to the music and enjoying being close.

Jack spoke up “I’ve set up those appointments for you, the details have been sent to your echo. You have the rest of the week off too. As do I. Well, kinda, I’ll still be working, just I’ll be doing it here. I’ve asked Tim to step in for the office shiz.”

Rhys set his glass down which prompted Jack to do the same. They tucked up together, becoming a tangle of limbs.

“Thank you.” Rhys said barely above a whisper. “For everything.”

“I love you.”

It took a moment for the pair to process just what Jack had said. Both of them drew back at the same time, staring into each other’s eyes. For Rhys, it was shock, for Jack, panic.

After what felt like an eternity of silence, Rhys spoke up.

“I love you too, Jack. I love you so much.” Tears began to prickle up but his gaze never strayed from Jack’s.

That was, until Jack pulled him in for a kiss. It was soft and passionate. Emotional and special. When they parted Rhys cried with a huge smile on his face. They continued to say it to each other, peppering kisses as they went.

For the first time in a long time, Rhys was confident that everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Look after yourself, keep friends and family close and make sure you tell people what they mean to you


End file.
